Life With Dad: The First Signs...

Let's go back to the time before the Dementia began to affect my Dad.  This is a rare photo for our family....one where Dad is in it with us.  He didn't usually like to be involved in the picture taking.  This appears to be somewhere in the mid 1960's when we still lived on a farm south of town.  We moved into town on Dad's birthday in 1972.  It has been over 40 years that my parents have lived in the same house.  This became a place of comfort for my Dad throughout the years.  This is also where the decline in his mental health began to surface.  It has been approximately three or four years (somewhere around 2009 or so) since the doctors first mentioned the term "dementia" to my Mom when Dad went for checkups.

This was before the dementia had even entered into our world.  Dad is helping great-grandson Gavin with his shoes.  This type of task would be very simple and easy for Dad to do...before the decline.  He has never been one that would cook a full meal, but he could help with simple food preparation, such as microwaving something.  Dad would do the mowing of the yard, place bird food outside (he was especially fond of putting out grape jelly that attracted the Orioles), help place the trash out on trash day, simple home repairs (which usually involved a trip to the local Ace Hardware store for duct tape, batteries and super glue), tended a prolific garden each year, kept the yard watered on a specific schedule, washed vehicles each week (this is how I would get my car washed...parking it in his driveway), sat on the porch to watch the world go by, and solved millions of crossword puzzles.  This is just a small list of what Dad was responsible for while he was still at home.  He enjoyed being helpful to everyone, especially his family. 

This is during our annual family Christmas gathering that we always held at Mom and Dad's house.  This photo shows Dad sitting with my brother, Stub (Steve), who passed away unexpectedly in May of 2003 from a rare blood disorder. His passing at the young age of 43 was quite a shock for our whole family, and I remember Dad telling me that he never figured that he would have to bury one of his own children.  I think that the loss affected him more than he would ever talk about.

A picture of Mom and Dad...I am not sure of the year for this one.  It is how I remembered them for many years.  Looking back, there were many signs that we really didn't pay attention to....we just considered it a sign of getting older.  And I caution anyone reading this to not panic because they have experienced this themselves, or witnessed it from a loved one.  Being forgetful can have many causes, but Dad's continued to increase and become more problematic.  First we noticed that he would forget where he had put things, such as losing keys for the vehicles or the house.  There are some sets of keys that my Mom has STILL not located!  He always had to have a flashlight with him (usually carried in his overalls) and he would misplace them constantly...and then expect my Mom to know where it was!  Then he began to get mixed up on family members' names, where they lived, and where his grandkids lived.  He was always asking "what's on the agenda for the day", and despite telling him what we had planned....half an hour later he would ask the same question again.  Many times I would tell him that we were going to watch one of his grandson's ballgames and he would ask where it was, when it was, what time we were leaving, etc....and when we would get in the vehicle to leave he would ask where we were going.  It became frustrating for us to answer the same questions over and over....and for a while it even frustrated him since he could still remember that he had already asked the question.  He also asked many "generic" questions, such as "What's the price of gas where you are?" or "How's the weather your way?"  He would also use sarcastic or humorous answers to questions that he most likely had no idea how to answer accurately.  A HUGE problem for Dad came in something that most men can't live without....the TV remote!!  It got so confusing for him on which buttons to push and even simply turning it on and off.  If we had a dollar for each time that we had to "fix" the TV after he had messed it up....needless to say, we could retire by now!  He would always blame it on the TV not working right.  And we all searched for a TV remote that would be easier for him to run, but they just don't exist anymore.  Traveling became an interesting endeavor with Dad too.  He would sit in the passenger seat (sometimes trying to say that he didn't really want to drive anyway) and proceed to tell you how fast to go, where to turn, watch the speedometer, and push on his "invisible" brake on the passenger seat!  Even when we were traveling through areas that he had seen most of his life he would comment that he didn't think he'd ever been there before.  One weekend, my husband Terry and I took him for a drive and went by our old farmstead out in the country, which he really enjoyed going to see.  When I took him to a doctor's appointment the next day, he turned to me while we were in the waiting room and said, "I sure would like to get out to see the old farm one of these days."  For our family, one of the biggest signs that he was having difficulties with his memory arose from one of his most treasured possessions....his John Deere mower.

He was very proud of this mower and he had owned it for many years.....taking his weekly ride on it to mow his yard in nice weather.  The problem came in that he would forget how to get it started.  He would attempt to fire up the motor...and when that didn't work, he would hook it up to the battery charger thinking that the battery was dead.  After a few hours, he would go back out to try...still wouldn't start.  Then he would call the man that sold it to him at the local implement dealer.  This poor guy would drive over....go into the garage....push in the clutch and turn the key....and magically it would start!  It got to where we would always have to ask him if he pushed the clutch in....but usually it would be too late by that time, as I think he had Carrico Implement's phone number memorized!  I can recall at least three times (that I actually witnessed) that he called to have them come out to help.  He loved that mower, and when he could not remember how it ran or where he placed the key, we knew that he was really slipping.

Another symptom that we (mostly my Mom) began to notice was that his balance was not very good.  Many times he would come close to falling, but would catch himself by grabbing ahold of furniture or whatever was close.  He started to walk with a shuffle, not lifting his feet....which made it even more difficult to maneuver throughout the house.  Then he began to stumble in other places, such as outside in the yard.  Several times he would have a bruise or cut due to a tumble outside.  Early last spring he missed a step going down their front porch and fell to the ground.  My Dad is about 6'1" and weighs around 250 pounds.  Since my Mom is very small, she was struggling to try and help him up.  This is where living in a small town comes in handy....two young men who happened to be driving by at that same time, stopped their vehicle and ran to help get my Dad back up.  Luckily, he was not hurt by the fall, and my Mom did track down the two boys to thank them for helping.  On the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, my Mom received a call from my Dad while she was at work.  She asked him if he needed her for something, and he said no.  When she arrived home 20 minutes later, she found him on the living room floor where he had fallen.  She was afraid to try and get him up by herself, so she called the ambulance.  Dad spent a week in the hospital as they ran some tests and evaluated him.  The doctor suspected that he had suffered a stroke and ordered an MRI.  Due to him being somewhat claustrophobic, they had decided to sedate him before the MRI.  Even with some sedation, Dad became too agitated and they didn't get the MRI done to check for damage from stroke.  While he was in the hospital, he became extremely disoriented.  One morning he told us that he had slept in the bowling alley....it had been extremely noisy!  Another night he claimed that he had slept in a stock trailer.  He had delusions and was clearly confused about where he was.  The doctors left it up to my Mom to decide what she wanted to do for him.  She could take him home and continue to care for him, or the doctor would arrange for him to go to a nursing home.  It was an agonizing decision for my Mom, but she wasn't ready to have someone else take care of him yet.

Here is Dad trying out his new lift chair.  He came home from the hospital with the lift chair and a walker.  Dad didn't like to use the walker...said he didn't need it.  And the lift chair was never really used to actually help him stand up...but he seemed to enjoy having a chair with another remote! And yes....he had trouble with that remote as well!  Thank you for continuing on this journey for another week. For the next installment I will talk about the final straw that sent him to the nursing home, plus give some background information on the different types of Dementia.